Rejected Again!

Last week I was tuned down again for treatment. My neutrophils are increasing but they weren't at baseline and my oncologist is following protocol. They were so close. Alas, there's nothing we can do but wait. So technically I have neutropenia, still.

Tomorrow, I am assuredly going to be infused and after three weeks of zero treatments, this makes me nervous. The internal vibrations that gave my body a turbulent, unsettled mood have vanished. My nails have stopped aching and I can finally use them to open box lids and peel oranges. When all I could tolerate was silence and books, I can now listen to podcasts and watch movies. A little taste of peace and normalcy has revisited my soul.

Many days ago, Jason and I were on our street close to home after returning from a walk on the trails, when a bat darted across nearly colliding into my chest. I wanted to yell, "Hey, watch where you're flying! Can't you see I'm neutropenic???!!" I'm not sure who was more shocked: Jason (he kept wondering about the threat of rabies and what would have happened had I been bitten), the bat (was it deaf? or was it having fun maneuvering over hills and valleys?) or me (I had never experienced a flying bat up-close before). The way it curved across my chest, only an inch--maybe two--away from my body and then swooped in between us as if toying with slow-moving humans before fluttering upwards in front of Jason's face. It was completely silent. And it's grace was spectacular. I felt that familiar surge of endorphins, and for a moment, I almost felt normal (the treatments keep trying to drain me of everything human).

So, yes, I definitely had a chemo vacation. And like Persephone, I'm not so sure I want to return to underworld. Tomorrow, it begins again. Only 63 more days.